Hiding

Currently I’m hiding upstairs out of the the way of my Mum.  Strange I realise but its giving me a chance to write this blog.

I’m not sure that I ever wrote about this before but the reason that I ran my first marathon was because my Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  I felt helpless and unable to do anything so I decided to raise money instead.  It ended up being a very positive experience (I have run 2 more marathons) but doesn’t really help me with dealing with my Mum.

I’ve read a bit about Alzheimer’s over the years and it appears to affect people in different ways.  With my Mum, well in a lot of ways she is no longer the Mum I knew, she just looks like her.  To the everyday person she doesn’t appear very bad.  She repeats her conversation in an amusing manner and forgets everything usually by the end of the page.

Unfortunately she also has irrational moments when it’s as if a switch flicks.  It appears to be when she is feeling particularly insecure or she hasn’t eaten frequently enough.  She becomes fixated on something and someone; becomes aggressive and just won’t listen to reason.  This is why I’m hiding upstairs in my own house.  She has decided that I am a thief and I have stolen her hairbrush and I’m hiding it from her.  There should be something slightly comical about having someone shouting at you about stealing their hairbrush and hiding in your own house but actually its quite distressing.  Your Mum, looking at you with pure anger and hatred while calling you a thief is a difficult thing to take.  While she is in that state, every time she sees me it sets her off again.  There appears to be no way to reason or make her see sense.  I let her search my room, did everything I could to prove to her that I didn’t steal it but she was completely fixated.  For a logical person who always wants to be able to solve everything, its difficult to take.

Usually I go and run, up hills, faster and faster anything to distract so that I concentrate on the physical pain instead of the emotional.  But today has been the first time that I have been the person fixated upon and to be honest I’m not sure I am able to stop crying long enough to get into a stride.  So I’m writing this to help me come to terms and put it behind me.  It won’t be the last time, I realise but at least I can teach myself to deal with it or maybe learn to see the signs.

Thank you for listening.

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